As the school year comes to a close, I find myself thinking more and more about endings. The end of online assignments, the end of springtime, the end of virtual work meetings. And somehow, it seems the psychology of thinking of endings has tricked me into associating the end of this school year with the end of the Coronavirus, or at least the severance of its heavy and debilitating hand. Of course, I know this is a ridiculous thought that’s so far from reality that it’s depressing, but, still, I can’t help but think it.

My junior year of college will forever be remembered as the year when shit really hit the fan. When things got so scary that I felt like I was on a movie set for an apocalyptic thriller (we may be used to it now, but the first time I went to a Wegmans once all of this started was unnerving–seeing people in masks standing six feet apart in a line reaching out past the automatic doors and around the building felt surreal). There will always be a compartment in my mind dedicated to the culture shock of social distancing and quarantining. And there will be a day sometime in the (hopefully near) future that I will remember as the day when quarantine was lifted not because of stupid protests and tone-deaf billionaires wanting to continue making money, but because we were safe. I recognize that day in the abstract, it’s not here now and it won’t be for a while. And yet, here I am tying up the loose ends of my assignments and preparing for finals, while simultaneously blowing a kiss to COVID-19 with one hand and sticking up the middle finger with the other. I. Do. Not. Know. Why. My. Brain. Works. Like. This.

I think this is me self-sabotaging, a concept I am very familiar with. I’m setting myself up for disappointment–and it’s super annoying. I’m thinking it must circle back to me simply wanting my life back. I want a real, normal summer. One where I romanticize it all throughout fall, winter, and spring, only to remember how much I actually hate the heat and humidity, which are the two main characteristics of an east coast summer. I want to take a walk in my town without the fear of contracting and passing along a deadly disease. Ah the things I took for granted before.

So, here I am. Trying to rewire my brain to thinking logically and not absolutely absurdly. It’s kind of working, I think writing out this blog post has helped me to process some of my thoughts. And as for my mindset moving forward, I–like many others–will continue to be disappointed, frustrated, and saddened by the Coronavirus (and the government’s reaction to it). I will continue to long for days that I previously never thought I’d ever long for, and I will stay in my house, curtains drawn open, with hope that better days are not too far ahead.